9 of the most secretly creepy breakfast cereal mascots
Posted by Neil Bulson @ Guyism
Most of us grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons and with those cartoons came an avalanche of breakfast cereal advertisements, each with their own little mascot whose job was to shape our impressionable little minds and guide us towards stuffing our maws with whatever sugar filled nuclear waste he was peddling. And for every wholesome Tony the Tiger out there, there were dozens of creepy mascots waiting to worm their way into our lives. Some were barely disguised junkies, some just had severe emotional issues, but whatever the case, they need to be called out before they terrorize yet another generation of impressionable, mushy brained children, and wouldn’t you know it, we here at Guyism are just the ones to do it. So here, for the first time, are the worst of the worst, the nine creepiest breakfast cereal mascots.
9 Toucan Sam – Froot Loops
On the surface, Toucan Sam appears to be a gorgeous, colorful bird, gaudy and attractive, kind of like a rock star. But like a lot of rock stars, Toucan Sam has a problem. He might think he hides it well, but that’s because he’s so obviously coked out of his gourd most of the time and doesn’t understand how obvious his little “habit” has become. “Follow your nose?” What kind of advice is that for today’s children? They follow this colorful degenerate towards a promised land filled with fruit flavored oats and find themselves trapped in a world of lies and depravity. The only sugar Toucan Sam delivers these kids is booger sugar. Follow your nose indeed. He should be ashamed of himself.
8 Captain Crunch – Cap’n Crunch
This loon walks around with a sailor outfit on and claims to be the captain of some mysterious ship that’s in search of… what? Nobody really knows. He spends most of his time looking like he’s either moments away from slitting his wrists or like he’s in the middle of a week-long bender fueled by No-Doz and meth. Sounds like a manic-depressive to me. Look, you might feel safe sending your kids away to serve as deckhands on his boat ride to hell, but I for one wouldn’t want my kids to find him slumped over in his cabin with an exploded heart or hanging from a noose slung over the ship’s boom.
7 Snap, Crackle, and Pop – Rice Krispies
What in the hell are these three little demons? If I see three little elves or sprites or whatever fairy freaks these dudes are crawling around my cupboard in the morning, it’s not going to make me want to pour myself a bowl of cereal. Instead, it will probably make me likely to do one of two things, or maybe both: first, call an exterminator, and second, check myself into a clinic for a psychiatric evaluation as soon as possible. When you start seeing wild-eyed three-inch tall freaks running around, including one -– that weird one in the middle with the Dr. Seuss hat –- who looks like he just got done hosting a rave in your cupboard, it might be time to call in the heavy hitters with the strait jackets and butterfly nets.
6 Boo Berry – Boo Berry Cereal
Oh, now look at this junky. I’m not quite sure how a ghost who looks like he’s a heroin addict is supposed to make me want to eat cereal, but I guess that’s why I’m not in advertising. Seriously, the last thing I want to do when I’m eating breakfast is to look at the box and imagine that the stoned little ghost on there is about to come to life and offer to blow me for five bucks and a ride to his dealer’s apartment. Honestly, the dude has a problem. Maybe that’s how he became a ghost in the first place. Who knows?
5 Lucky the Leprechaun – Lucky Charms
“They’re always after me Lucky Charms!” Are they now, you delusional little freak? Clearly, this poor midget is beset with severe emotional issues. Now, I’m no doctor, even though I play one at parties and I did spend eight years getting drunk with college kids, but I’m pretty sure that Lucky can be diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. Sure, it’s all fun and games and laughter and rainbows, but then Lucky is screaming at your kids and raving about gold and calling little Billy a thief. I just don’t think that kids should be exposed to those kinds of wild mood swings, unless they’re yours and you’re drunk.
4 Count Chocula – Count Chocula Cereal
Are you kidding me? Sure, today all the kids are in love with vampires and are convinced that opening a vein is cool because all vamps shimmer like diamonds in the sun, listen to songs about cutting themselves and look like mopey English moppets, but has everyone forgotten that Count Chocula drinks human blood to survive? What does he know about proper nutrition? Are you telling me that you’re comfortable letting your kids hang around with some pale faced David Bowie wannabe-looking freak who will gnaw on their jugulars in between feeding them spoonfuls of sugar? We need to hunt this creep down and drive a stake through his evil, chocolate-covered heart and then burn the corpse. It’s the only way, I’m afraid.
3 Jeremy Bear – Quaker Oats Sugar Puffs
Uh, just look at him. He’s not wearing any pants and he’s proudly waving his coke spoon around like it’s a magic wand. If you’re comfortable letting your kids hang around with a half-naked bear mindlessly jamming his hands into a giant jug of honey positioned right in between his… you know what? I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s too upsetting.
2 The Trix Rabbit – Trix
Oh, good lord. This freak. When he’s not hopping around like he just burst out of his meth lab, he’s constantly hounding little children, trying to steal their, uh… who the hell knows? What the hell are Trix? I mean, obviously they’re a popular breakfast cereal, but I feel like there’s some sort of really heavy, disturbing metaphor that we’re all missing here. Trix are for kids. That’s the only thing we know. So why is this giant freak trying to get his filthy paws on them? This is like some Stephen King IT psycho clown meets Freddy Krueger crap, you know? We all think he’s just some harmless rabbit, but maybe he’s entering the dreams of our children late at night and devouring their souls. Could the Trix Rabbit actually be the devil? My sources -– a senile old priest and a blind hobo who smells like cat pee -– say yes.
1 Sonny the Cuckoo Bird – Cocoa Puffs
Yes, yes, say it with me… he’s CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! We know, dude. You’ve been ranting and raving about this for years, staggering around all wild-eyed, scaring the crap out of kids everywhere, jonesing like some strung out junky for some puffed up oats covered in fake chocolate flavoring. Jesus. I don’t even want to think about what this creep has done over the years to ensure that he gets his slimy little fingers on those Cocoa Puffs. He can’t even hide it. Just look at him. He’s so far gone that he’s probably hiding in your cupboard right now, slobbering all over himself, ready to jump out, naked and crazy eyed with a tiny little knife to slit your throat just for a taste of that sweet cocoa dust. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.