Derek Jeter: Great American Cooze-o-isseur

(Every great action hero deserves theme music)
Los Amigos Invisibles – Superfucker

Derek Jeter should of had his own reality show.I would of definitely watch it.I’m not even big on reality TV.I’ve actually grown to hate it.And I never really followed Derek Jeter either.But I think a reality show starring him would of beeen great.Whenever I would see Jeter in photos he would always have a huge Kool Aid smile.I just thought the sucka liked baseball, on some Joe DiMaggio type love.I was totally unaware of his extra curricular activities off the baseball field.Apparently this guy is the one of the biggest and most successful cooze hounds known to man.I think Jeters resume even makes Hugh Hefner feel some sort of way.Or they are at least exchanging honky highs when they see each other.I bet even Prince would be like damn. And then cook Jeter pancakes before offering to baptize him in Lake Minnetonka.Derek Jeter literally hits the best home runs ever in baseball.And the funny thing it’s not even on the field.And it isn’t like he hit one great one and retired.This dude is consistent as hell. And is hitting higher quality ones all the time.So I think if he had his own TV show that followed his amazing cooze hound life. It would of been a hit.Especially if he keeps on hitting home runs like he is doing.

Let’s take a quick look at his resume of out of the park homers………….

First off Adriana Lima.She is hands down one of the most beautiful women ever.One of my favorites.
Adriana Lima – This stunning Victoria’s Secret angel has become well known for marrying NBA scrub Marko Jaric (who the Memphis Grizzlies paid nearly $8 million this year to stay away from the team), but the Brazilian beauty once dated the Yankee shortstop for a brief spell in 2006. If you take her at her word though Jeter never bedded her, as true to her religious beliefs, she didn’t have sex before marrying Jaric (who remains perhaps the luckiest florist on the planet).

Mariah Carey – It is easy to bash on Mariah ’saggy jugs’ now, but when Jeter was tapping that ‘Honey’ from 1997-1998 she was one of the most talented and desirable women in the world. Jeter and Carey were at the pinnacle of their primes when they dated. The Yankees were winning the World Series almost every year, and Mariah was constantly on top of (besides Jeter) the Billboard charts. Shortly after their split her movie Glitter BOMBED, her career crashed, and she eventually ended up spending time in a mental hospital. She is currently married to wannabe actor Nick Cannon.

Jessica Alba – Jeter dated Alba in 2004 for a very short time. She eventually met Cash Warren later that same year on the Fantastic Four set and married him in May 2008. Some internet rumors claim that in the brief time that Jeter gave Alba herpes. If so, I doubt she’s the only one.

Minka Kelly – Minka rose to fame on the popular television show Friday Night Lights that centers around the drama that is high school football in Texas. She is also the daughter of one-time Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay and former Vegas showgirl Maureen Kelly. She is currently dating Derek and has been since 2008. There has been some rumors about the two being engaged, but Jeter quickly and smartly denied them. Minka seems to be a great match for Jeter, but history should tell her, us, and everyone that she will likely be replaced sooner before later. Once the engagement rumors start floating, Jeter usually cuts bait and moves on.

Lara Dutta – This stunning beauty was Miss Universe in 2000. Jeter wasted no time, dating her from 2000-2001. Dutta has done mostly Indian movies to date with mixed success. She has also dated Tiger Woods sometime late in 2001. Lara was last romantically linked to fellow Indian actor and model Dino Morea.

Vanessa Minnillo – Jeter and Vanessa met and dated from 2003-2004 while she was hosting the popular MTV show Total Request Live in New York City. Minnillo has a thing for sporty men as she has also dated NBA Hall of Famer Scottie Pippen and sports junkie Nick Lachey. Vanessa was at the peak of her popularity and one of the more well known faces in New York during the time she was dating Derek. She was also Miss Teen USA 1998 and has been dating Lachey the past three years.Scottie Pippen??????????????????????????????????????WTF.It really goes to show you that when you have money it’s a wrap.I use to dig her a lot.Scottie Pippen 😦

Jessica Biel – One of Jeter’s more undervalued skills is nabbing Hollywood’ starlets during their peak prime before politely dumbing them to move on to the next hottest up and coming star. He did this to perfection with Biel after she left 7th Heaven. The two dated from 2006-2007 while Biel’s Hollywood star was very much in demand. Jeter moved on, Justin Timberlake picked up where he left off with Biel and her career has never been the same since.

Rachel Uchitel – Remarkably in the past 5 months Uchitel has become one of the more well known names on this list…not from Jeter but when the National Enquirer busting Tiger Woods for having a hot n’ steamy transcontinental affair with her. Rachel had scheduled a press conference with man-hating attorney Gloria Allred that was canceled at the last moment when she agreed to a multi-million dollar settlement with Woods to keep the details of their juicy romance private. Jeter did beat Woods to the hole, as his romantic romps with the super-tramp took place during 2008.

Jordana Brewster – Most of America is still relatively unfamiliar with Brewster, but she rose to fame for her role as Mia Toretto in Fast & Furious and The Fast And The Furious. She dated Mark Wahlberg before Jeter landed her from 2002-2003. In Jeter’s wake she downgraded to Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath, before eventually marrying producer Andrew Form in 2006.

Joy Enriquez – Beautiful yet relatively unknown considering Jeter’s other high profile conquests. The two dated around 2001. Joy has had a mediocre pop singing career and a few cameos on 7th Heaven. Joy was a background singer for Mariah Carey before stealing Jeter’s attention away from the Butterfly Diva. She has also been romantically tied to Jeter’s teammate Alex Rodriquez. She has been married to record producer Rodney Jerkins since 2004.

Other women rumored to be linked to Jeter over the years include Tyra Banks,

Scarlett Johansson,

and Vida Guerra

among others.

Imagine the among other ones?Or the ones that don’t have a little bit of fame and aren’t in the public eye.Damn Jeter!!!!! I commend you and hate you at the same time. I’m just waiting till one day Jeter fucks somebodies mom,girlfriend, or wife and they call the proper authorities on his cooze hound ass.

I can picture meeting Dereck Jeter one day at a restaurant or something.As he is walking out I’m like…..
“Derek Jeter you dropped your wallet”
And he is like “Thanks asshole!”
Then he drives away into the sunset, in his Vag-wagon Bug.

God Bless You Dereck Jeter!

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1 Response to Derek Jeter: Great American Cooze-o-isseur

  1. Kimbra Dick says:

    You got a very good website, Gladiola I found it through yahoo.

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