Chasing Sarah (Excerpt From My Mangina Monologues)

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I don’t tend to remember a great deal about growing up.Their are little memories that play out like scenes in a movie in my mind.But most of it could belong to someone else’s film for all I know.I don’t know if I blocked it all out.Or my memory is fading with age.But I always remember things my grandmother would tell me growing up .Besides being informed I’d go to hell every minute.If she thought what I was doing was bad (which was everything I enjoyed).She would try and occupy my time before I did something bad.I don’t even think I was bad.I just think she had a complex with men and it started out with boys in her book.Or who knows maybe my father was Dennis The Menace or something.But like a lot of people I found out later..My grandmother told me that if I dug a hole deep enough I could get to China.I don’t remember what I said to her at first.It wasn’t like “Fuck out here Grandma” or ” I think your old ass been inhaling too much Dr. Scholl orthopedic foot powder or something”. But I had to of gave her a look like I thought she was eating retard sandwiches or something.I’ve been told at even a very early age I was kind of a cynic.But I guess being told I was going to hell started to wear thin with me.So she started beating me more.I remember the belt the most.Besides the leather strap stinging like 50 bees. If the metal buckle would hit you it would hurt like 100 midgets punching your back..And when she couldn’t get to the belt she would improvise.I got hit with all sorts of makeshift weapons like phone books,the actual phone,wooden spoons,shoes,and anything you can think of imaginable.Luckily though she never did a Michael Jackson to me and made me go outside and break a switch off a tree.But I suffered trust me.Looking back maybe she thought she was preparing me for prison with all the homemade weapons and attacks.I don’t know.But I remember one time she was beating me with the wooden spoon and it broke.I made the stupidest mistake you can ever do when your getting tortured.I laughed at the torturer.She flipped the fuck out to say the least.And she did something that day she never did before.She stopped hitting me.She started to cry and just screamed at me. She told me I was a disappointment and walked away.At first I was like cool.I got off easy.I probably thought her old ass realized she wasn’t in my boxing class or something.Who knows? I proceeded to go off and do my little thing.Most likely I took out my GI Joes and went to war.Maybe I even helped a few transformers transform or something.Whatever my little ass thought was cool at the time i probably did..But one of the only things I really remember is feeling bad.Her words always hurt me more then any beating ever could.I guess her taking the effort of beating me showed that she cared.And she was trying to steer me in the right direction.Then when she stopped and just yelled at me I guess I thought she stopped caring. I think hearing that someone is disappointed in you while they are crying is far worse then getting beaten.So I probably thought of a shitload of apologies.I’m sure I wanted to run and give her a hug and thank her for trying to help me.Even if 90% of what I was doing wasn’t that bad. I probably wanted to tell her I loved her most of all. Then all of a sudden all that had to of changed when my grandmother came flying in the the room like Swayze in Roadhouse.Long story short It was like the old Batman show
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She probably fucked my little ass up in less then 30 seconds.The only thing I really remember is looking up and seeing that she had a new belt.So while I was in the shit battling Cobra in a GI Joe war.And stewing over what I had done.She went and bought a more effective torture device.I was hurt and appalled.After the beating she took all my toys away.And on some Judge Dredd (police,judge,jury,and executioner) shit sentenced me to live out my days in my room.After probably crying like a little bitch. I guess I devised a plan to run away.I was probably hysterical cause I went Tropic Thunder full retard that night.I played the good prisoner and then when everybody was sleeping I escaped.

I really don’t know what happened but I was told I was found near a hole in the yard.And that I was sleeping by a shovel and a bag of clothes .So an educated guess is I finally gave into the theory of if i dug a deep enough hole I’d get to China.I think about that occasionally.And either I did it because probably at that time Karate Kid was the biggest movie.My brothers were always watching the old Wu Tang style kung fu movies.Or the simple fact Kung Fu Theater was always my favorite show on Saturdays.So I probably dug the hole to get to China to learn Karate so I could defend myself against my grandmother.I don’t know.That theory made a lot of sense to me.But then that theory got kind of dismissed by my mother.She told me that my best friend when I was really small was a Asian girl named Sarah..Which I thought about.I didn’t remember Sarah at all.The farthest back I could remember having a friend I cared for was a invisible one named Penelope.Apparently I did everything as a kid with Penelope..I still get joked on about Penelope by my brother.I only have vague recollections of Penelope.I’m pretty sure now she was Asian though.The only thing I’m 100 on is that she was a good friend.Cause I made her up.But anyway my mother said that Sarah’s mother always babysat me.And that Sarah and I were inseparable.Then one day they moved and without warning..So my gigantic little heart in my minuscule little body was probably crushed.And most likely to get over the agony that probably drove me mad. .I compensated without her in my life by making up Penelope.

After my sentence ran out and squashing the beef with O.Grandma.Instead of going back to being bad and the beatings.I guess I would go dig more in the hole I been told.So with no beef at all the theory of learning karate I kind of ruled out.My grandmother said I dug that whole summer. I actually do remember a huge hole I dug in the backyard.It was out of the way.So they let me do my thing.And mainly it kept me from getting into trouble so they were all for it..Then I guess with school starting and Nintendo coming into my life I gave up on the hole..Plus shortly after starting school I was about to meet my first crush Ms. Abby 🙂 So even though I don’t really remember Sarah or Penelope(who became Sarah).I do have a hole (pun intended) in my heart I can’t account for.Plus I have a great feeling in my mind of a love I am still chasing.And of loss that is still chasing me..I think it has to date back to that time.Because I don’t remember it mentally..So when I think back to that time of digging a hole. I like to think Sarah or Penelope was doing the same for me.I doubt Sarah moved to China.And I don’t think Chinese parents tell their children if they dig a hole deep enough they end up in America.But looking back to when I dug as a kid. I like to envision I was thinking about Sarah.Who was hard at work digging to get back to me;)
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